Muslim Parenting

The following is a talk given at Masjid Omar al-Farouk in Orange County, California (USA). The speaker is Br. Shareef el-Arbi, a community youth leader. Br. Shareef speaks about his experiences growing up in the US, as well as what he has come to know from the youth he works with. The talk is fairly frank about the issues Muslim teens face and mash’Allah is also filled with guidelines for parents (with examples from the sunnah and Qur’an). Good, inspiring and cautionary video for Muslims raising children in the West.

The following is a lecture that Sheikh Hamza Yusuf gave at the 2000 ISNA conference on the influences of non-Muslim (”Western”) culture on Muslim children and youth and ways in which parents and youth themselves can encourage good Islamic character.

Sheikh Hamza touches on consumerism, advertising’s influence on children, television-viewing and guarding eyes and ears from the haram.

Here is what I took away from the talk:

• Don’t allow children to watch television. Sheikh Hamza feels very strongly that it is a negative both in terms of form and content. He also criticizes movies and actors - though I know from reading materials on Sheikh Hamza’s Zaytuna website that he is okay with allowing older children to watch carefully chosen (informative) videos.
• Educate children about advertising and consumerism so that insha’Allah they can be better armed against them.
• Encourage children to use their (limited) time to study Islam and also to develop other useful skills and talents.
• Encourage children to be active in community and family life rather than waste their time with video games, TV and movies.

My husband and I ended up talking a lot about the suggestion presented by Soundvision that parents should encourage their teens to marry in order to safeguard them and their faith.

Again, it may be our cultural bias, but we are having trouble thinking positively about this suggestion.

The divorce rates among Muslims in the West are already very high.

It seems that there can be so much difference even between someone at 16 and that same person at 25. How does early marriage accomodate these changes? How does it inhibit or facilitate growth and maturity?

I think that the article writers may not be suggesting that 16 year olds set up house together. Instead maybe the vision is of married teens living with their respective parents, continuing their studies and benefitting from parental guidance and support.

But then, I thought, are these teens really growing as a married couple, or just continuing to live as children with few responsibilities of their own?

What happens if children come into the picture? Will they become Mummy and Daddy’s responsibility as well?

Also, what happens if the person our daughter liked or who we thought well-suited to her at age 16 is a very different person; one who is less compatible with her at age 26? I know that I don’t want a “starter marriage” for my daughter.

While no one wants their children to sin, is early marriage the only way to prevent pre-marital relations?

These are all questions we asked and for which we have no definitive answers.

I was thinking, however, that one important element in all of this is preparing children adequately to wait, if wait they must.

Making sure that sex and romance are at once explained and in a sense demystified. That they know what Muslim parents expect of them and why. And also importantly know what can happen when the straight path isn’t followed. Having some sort of timeline may also help. It is easier to wait for something when you know when the waiting will end.

MashAllah! Soundvision offers a really great list of tips for Muslim parents of teenagers on supporting their children in growing into good Muslim adults.

Some of the tips focus on increasing family time and fortifying ourselves first as a way of strengthening our parenting. Other tips, like ‘building’ a masjid in your home, dating your teenager, and having a halal fun day once a month are pretty innovative.

The article suggests that we marry our teenagers early - I think the assumption here is that although married the couple may continue living with their respective parents and keep going with their studies. This is culturally foreign to me - but may well be a good strategy if well thought out and managed.

Anyway, teens can be exasperating and full of novel ideas as the Soundvision article is, it is worth a read.

The Islam and Infertility website is a comprehensive guide aimed at helping Muslim couples struggling with conceiving a child.

The website authors write,”In many Muslim communities it is often considered a taboo to discuss the topic of infertility openly. Although 1 in 12 couples face infertility problems when trying to conceive a child. And while in many cultures the woman is blamed and shunned by the community, we inshallah would like to shed some light on the situation, in hopes that women will no longer feel ashamed in such an ordeal. It is hard enough for a woman who has difficulty conceiving, having a natural desire to feel a child grow in her womb, to have to deal with cultural ignorances as well.”

The site touches on all sorts of topics relevant to couples dealing with infertility, including pregnancy in the Qur’an, miscarriage, multifetal pregnancy reduction, surrogacy, latest conception drugs and technologies, adoption, masturbation (in order to secure sperm samples) and much more.

Each topic is looked at in light of the Qur’an and Sunnah - ayat and hadiths are cited and various scholarly rulings presented.

The site is rounded out by a recommended reading list and access to a fertility discussion list for muslimahs.

Truly an invaluable resource for Muslim families dealing with this issue.

Okay, so An American Family’s Blog, is quite different from the other Muslim parents and family blogs I usually read for this site. It is the brainchild of Hijabman of Muslim t-shirt fame.

It seems that he is part of a very tight-knit “eight-person American [Okay, so we have one Brit…]Muslim family.” Hijabman’s family includes, his parents, sisters, brother and their spouses and children.

The family seems to spend a lot of time together - it’s almost as if they live in a joint household, though I know from their posts that they just live near one another.

They have been careful on the blog not to reveal too much. You don’t know where they live and you don’t see any of the adults’ faces, though you do hear their voices and sometimes see their feet.

The posts (especially the video posts) are all fairly off-beat: they talk about lotas (Urdu/Hindi name for waterpot used in the bathroom), mayhem in Karachi and Palestine, chocolate and all sorts of other topics. Remember that, in theory, there are eight very different family members contributing to this blog.

Hijabman, the impetus behind An American Family’s Blog, is himself unmarried and not a parent, but don’t let that stop you from at least checking out this Muslim family’s blog.

Perhaps, like his sisters you have some advice to offer him on finding a wife or even have a special someone in mind, so that he can too can join the parenting ranks. LOL.

Before becoming a mother I never thought about or imagined that I would be spattered with and cleaning up urine (and that other stuff) so much.

But really every body fluid is represented. Often my husband and I have mused that if a crime scene team were to come to our house they would find traces of pee everywhere throughout the house (even though we’ve cleaned).

What does that mean for cleanliness for prayer?

I have not found any hadiths specifically related to breaking wudu by tending to one’s child (if someone knows of one please send it in), but did find several that indicated that if children soil you it is enough to wash the area on which they urinated with water.

This makes sense since Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his companions could not always count on having several garments into which they could change because a baby peed on them.

I’m not sure what they did for baby fecal spills. Again, if you do know, please comment.

Here are the hadiths I found (all from Bukhari) pertaining to children’s urine on one’s clothing:

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 31:

Narrated ‘Aisha:

The Prophet took a child in his lap for Tahnik (i.e. he chewed a date in his mouth and put its juice in the mouth of the child). The child urinated on him, so he asked for water and poured it over the place of the urine.

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 222:

Narrated ‘Aisha:

A child was brought to Allah’s Apostle and it urinated on the garment of the Prophet. The Prophet asked for water and poured it over the soiled place.

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 223:

Narrated Um Qais bint Mihsin:

I brought my young son, who had not started eating (ordinary food) to Allah’s Apostle who took him and made him sit in his lap. The child urinated on the garment of the Prophet, so he asked for water and poured it over the soiled (area) and did not wash it.

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 227:

Narrated Asma’:

A woman came to the Prophet and said, “If anyone of us gets menses in her clothes then what should she do?” He replied, “She should (take hold of the soiled place), rub it and put it in the water and rub it in order to remove the traces of blood and then pour water over it. Then she can pray in it.”

Volume 1, Book 4, Number 223:

Narrated Um Qais bint Mihsin:

I brought my young son, who had not started eating (ordinary food) to Allah’s Apostle who took him and made him sit in his lap. The child urinated on the garment of the Prophet, so he asked for water and poured it over the soiled (area) and did not wash it.

As I am fast approaching my due date (insha’Allah) one of my friends threw a baby shower for me. Not being materialistic/consumerists sorts my husband and I felt it really important that it not be an occasion for which the sisters felt they needed to shop. We have either bought or gotten the [hand-me-down] things we need, alhamdullilah from friends anyway.

So, I asked the sisters to instead of bringing a physical gift to bring duas and advice instead. Alhamdullilah, this worked out really well. We had a great afternoon of sisters-only conversation, fellowship, food and fun.

We ended up sitting in a circle as one by one the sisters (starting with the sisters with the oldest kids and then moving down) talked about their experiences as mothers, gave advice and offered duas that had helped them through labor or difficult times.

I felt truly honored and supported and insha’Allah will be able to use the advice they gave. I also noticed that as we talked several of the sisters’ teenage daughters were listening intently from the edges of the circle. This was nice to see, as I guessed our comments would provide some insight for them as young women on being a Muslim wife and mother.

Some surahs suggested by the sisters at my shower:

Surah Maryam

Surah Yusuf - One sister suggested reciting or reading it in translation over three fruits that you later eat. She said she had been given this idea by an older sister and later did some reading about the possibility of objects becoming imprinted with energy - in this case, the potent energy of the Qur’an

Several sisters talked of the usefulness of having my husband read Qur’an or make dua during the labor. Not always that well understood by the hospital staff [mercifully, we’re planning a home birth, insha’Allah], according to one sister who said that her sister’s husband had been told to stop reading from his ‘book’ and help when he was reading aloud to her sister from the Qur’an. I guess it escaped the staff that reading from a ‘book’ could be a help to anyone…

Also mentioned - reading aloud from Qur’an to the baby (and playing the recitation on tape/CD) and setting aside time each day to read from Qur’an.

“…whoever disbelieves in the Shaitan (note: Satan) and believes in Allah he indeed has laid hold on the firmest handle, which shall not break off, and Allah is Hearing, Knowing” 2.256

First posted on July 19, 2006

The following ayat (in translation) truly encapsulates how God wants us to treat our parents:

‘Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents.
Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt,nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor.

And out of kindness, lower them the wing of humility and say:
‘My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy as they cherished me in childhood.’

Qur’an 17:23-24

First posted on July 26, 2006

Setting Limits for Your Kids This Summer
By Christina Lemmey

Children see their summer vacation as a time for relaxing, playing, and having more freedom. There’s no schoolwork, friends want to just hang out, and doing chores or having a strict schedule sometimes goes out the window. Often we parents want to avoid arguments and want to be “friends” with our kids, thinking they deserve some leniency since they’ve worked so hard in school. You may think that you’re rewarding high achievement but in reality you’re conceding control of your household.

Children need strong, positive role models who will teach them how to make proper decisions in life. Parents are the very first role models for their children and the responsibility of teaching their children lies with them. When the parents relinquish their teaching duties, chaos in the household will ensue.

Here are some ideas for keeping the parents in charge of the household this summer:

1. Wake up your child by a certain time each morning. [Admin - Taken care of if you are waking them up for fajr] That doesn’t mean he has to be up by 6:30am but make sure he’s up by 8am or 9am at the latest. He’s still “sleeping in” but can also have some morning hours to play or plan his day. Letting kids sleep until all hours of the afternoon will only lead to staying up late at night and it will be a tough habit to break come September when school starts again.

2. Limit your child’s television and computer time. Why contribute to the childhood obesity epidemic? Watching mindless TV shows or playing endless hours of violent video games will make your child’s mind go numb and she’s not learning anything worthwhile. Try using “TV tickets” where 1 ticket = 30 minutes of TV. She can use her tickets anytime during the day but when they’re gone, the TV stays off.

3. Reassess your child’s responsibilities. Every child is capable of handling age-appropriate chores so take this time to make changes to their chore list. Encourage your child to have daily responsibilities that need to get done and find a block of time for your child to accomplish these things. If your child is an early riser, encourage him to do his chores right after breakfast and be done with them for the day. Or set a kitchen timer and see if they can finish their chores before the timer dings. Be sure to remind your children that doing chores is helping the family and not only a means to earning allowance.

4. Set your child’s bedtime. “Night owl” behavior can often lead to trouble and bad sleeping habits so make a set bedtime and stick with it. If you want to make it 30-60 minutes later than usual since it’s still light out, then go ahead, but growing children still need lots of sleep and it will help your child learn to stick to a schedule.

5. Don’t be afraid to set rules. Make up additional rules that help your household run smoothly. Be sure these rules are fair and age-appropriate based on the number and ages of your children. Always remember that your children will look to you first for guidance so teach them how to make rules and stick to them.

Summer vacation doesn’t have to be full of tantrums from spoiled children who have no respect for their parents. Earn your child’s respect by showing him/her how to set limits, how to follow a schedule, and how to handle household responsibilities. You’ll keep control of your household and your child will have the basis for becoming a functional adult.

Christina Lemmey is the mother of two girls and the owner of http://www.survivingathome.com

Christina has a number of very interesting articles on her blog right now on kids and summer.

First posted on July 20, 2006.